Thanos, You Are an Idiot
by Can'tRememberMyName
Summary: Thanos finds his retreat from sentient life has brought him to... sentient life. Perphone just wants him to understand why his decision to kill half the universe was a bad one. One-shot


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Perphone.**

Thanos was wandering throughout the meadows of his new home world, enjoying the peace and tranquility of it all. It had been only a few weeks since his great intervention, and while he was sad for the sacrifices he had to make, he was content that he had done the right thing.

The flowers were in full bloom, and the mountains surrounding him set a nice backdrop to the scenic view.

The mad titan crested over a hill, only to find something quite…alarming.

There was nothing necessarily threatening about what he found, but he could not believe his eyes. He had wished to go to a planet with no sentient life, and yet there before him stood a female of some species. Her skin was a deep red with inlays of some purple gem, and her hair was as dark as his own daughter's. She stood with her back to him, feet submerged in a sparkling lake. Her dull green clothes were obviously made with the fronds of the various grasses that covered the planet, dead to hold her modesty.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" Thanos asked the woman angrily.

She didn't seem startled by him at all. "Thanos, the mad titan," she greeted him tranquilly. "For all intents and purposes, I should be asking you that. You are on _my _planet, after all." Her voice was young, but her tone was wise and condescending, as if he were a little child. "Then again," she mused, "for what purpose would I have to ask you questions I already know the answer to? My apologies, loneliness only makes the mind play tricks on you. I'm afraid the only conversation I've had in a while is with myself, and there's only so much advice one can give to someone who already knows all the answers."

She turned to him, then. Her eyes were as purple as the gems in her skin, bright against the dark red of her skin. Other than that, her features were as classically humanoid as most other alien species Thanos has met.

They stared at each other for a moment, until her eyes suddenly widened, and she let out a soft exclamation of, "Oh!" Her wise countenance suddenly dropped, and before him stood a woman no older than his daughter had been when she ran away from him. "So sorry, you asked me a question, how rude of me not to answer. My name is Perphone, and this is my home." She bowed strangely in what he assumed was the custom of her people.

"How do you know who I am?" Thanos asked.

"Your reputation precedes you," she smiled jokingly, before turning serious. "My people were never able to make the technologies to leave this planet. There are no metals here to build ships, and we are so far away from the rest of the universe, no ship has ever landed here. But we could see." She tapped her head with a finger. Thanos noted she had four fingers total, rather than five. "My people always enjoyed watching the universe. Who needs stories when so many are playing out for you to see? I guess you could call it a… hobby… of ours."

"Then why was I brought here?" he asked instead. If she were so smart, maybe she knew the answer he already asked himself. "I told the stones to bring me somewhere I can live in peace."

She threw back her head and laughed. It was a beautiful sound, but it only made Thanos more impatient. "It was either here or a wasteland. The stones must have read your abhorrence for your dead home world. They'd have less complaining if they brought you here."

"Surely there is a planet out there without a sentient being on it?" he asked incredulously.

She shrugged sarcastically, as all at her age seem to be prone to do. "Sorry," he could tell she wasn't, "but that's not physically possible. Stop complaining! You'll soon get your wish." She rolled her amethyst eyes.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked gruffly.

"Well… seeing as how I'm _dying,_ and all…" Another eye-roll.

"Truly? You seem in perfectly good health to me," he could not handle such insubordination from his daughter, and now he has to deal with this _again_?

"And it's all because of _your_ foolishness, Mad Titan," she replied, somehow transforming back to her wise state. "Fifty – fifty? Try something closer to seventy-five – twenty-five."

He ground his teeth in annoyance. "I'm afraid I do not follow."

"Great!" She smiled, perky. "I've got my laundry list, and I need to air out my problems, so let's just air this dirty laundry, okay?" She smiled at her (stupid, to him) word-play.

"Let's start with my planet, and then we'll go into why you will never be loved by _anyone,_ not even the gods of balance."

"There are no gods," Thanos interrupted.

She glared at him. "_I'm_ telling the story, and stories are always better with willful gods!" she declared. "Anyway, back to what we were talking about," she turned back to the lake. "My people are of a…hive mindset…of sorts. Queens control the masses, and in return the queens are the only things keeping the masses alive. One queen is attached to a number of the populous, and different queens have different territories. When one queen dies, her…colony… dies with her. Now, do you expect a system like this to be split with fifty percent queens and fifty percent masses?" She shot another glare at him and continued before he could reply. "Of course not! You should know, what with those blasted Chitauri you held under your command.

"Queens made up roughly five percent of our population. Now, supposed 'savior of the universe,' how easily can five be hidden in fifty? Hm? Your 'fifty percent at random' randomly chose _that five percent!_" She was breathing heavily.

He considered her, then pointed out a flaw in her explanation. "And yet, you're still here."

She growled at him. "Yeah, genius. _I'm_ a _queen!_"

"That doesn't explain why you are dying."

"A queen only survives after entering adulthood if she has a hive. My lucky ass birthday was the day after your decision!"

"Well, that's not my fault," Thanos countered. "Some losses must be made for the good of the universe. I know just how hard those losses can be."

"Good of the universe, huh?" she replied. "You have only destroyed this universe, in a belief of _destiny._ I can tell you right now, oh wonderful Thanos," she did an overly sarcastic bow, "there is no such thing as destiny. Only those who succeed and fail. You, dear Thanos, have _failed._"

"How dare you?" he raged. "I have not given up everything to fail! I won!"

"The cost begets otherwise. Another example. One planet, that way," she gestured vaguely at the sky, "was slowly making its way back from a major extinction event, some sickness they have yet to name. They needed everyone there to work enough to provide what little food would grow. With time, they would have learned to cultivate and been able to grow specimens resistant to the sickness. Not only have you killed too much of the workforce, you have killed too many of their edible plants. That planet will die."

He changed tactics. "So, some planets were underpopulated. Most were over. There were not enough resources to go around. Life went out of control."

She hummed. "Okay, then let's go with a planet in that direction." She gestured vaguely at the sky again. "They had such 'overpopulation,' as you call it. One man, however, had just found a way to make a once toxic plant, one that grew in abundance on that planet, into an edible food source. He is dead now. Your wish might have been random, but those stones do not like to be used. They had to gain something somehow."

"That does not mean all were the same. I have tried this experiment numerous times on other planets. It has worked beautifully."

She scoffed. "Maybe, but your poor experiments just lost another half. And what will you do when they return to what they were? Many peoples who would have waited for children have now realized how short life is on those successful planets. They are all in a baby-boom, and within a few decades they will far eclipse what they once were. Besides, many of your experiments would have recovered without your help. New techniques, new resources, new technologies were already starting to be employed. The only difference was that they covered more people faster." She huffed a laugh. "Not that it matters. The mourning period was long enough the difference was perhaps a year. Maybe."

He was annoyed with her. She was just like everyone else. Why could she not see what he had done? "And what of my planet? It died from overpopulation."

"No," she snarked, "your planet was _dying._ You hear me? _Dying._ There was nothing you could have done. Plants weren't growing. Your atmosphere was degrading. Your waters were either freezing or boiling into non-consumption. And instead of trying to find a solution, you cowardly hijack the one rocket your people had and fly away from your problems all in a tizzy, obsessing over a solution that would not have worked. Your planet was the exception, not the rule."

"We'll just have to agree to disagree." How dare she speak of his people's demise so bluntly?

"Very well," she nodded. "Then how about how you killed needlessly? Any ship in space your vessel crossed paths with? Death to all onboard. I saw that one, the one with the Asgardians. Most brutal, I will say. And what of those dwarves? They serve your purpose, and you hardly deign to leave _one_ alive? Not fifty percent, _one?_ You surely think me a fool if you expect me to believe you to care for others."

"I did what I had to."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that. Oh! And who can forget? The fact that you said fifty-fifty of the _universe?_ Quite an important detail, wouldn't you say? Some planets were wiped from existence. Some had no clue you were even a thought in your mother's head." Her voice was taunting, and he could hear the bitter smile in her voice. "And of _life?_ Do you know just how many planets _starved_ because your decision killed all plant life, but not sentient life? You are cruel, Mad Titan, and so was your horrible wish."

"I did what I had to," he repeated his well-known mantra.

"Keep telling yourself that. Maybe that will make it true. The humans of planet Earth have the saying 'tell a lie long enough and strong enough, it will become the truth.' Let us both hope their words hold some form of value."

She stepped out of the water, then, mud coating her toes. "How about we don't talk about this anymore? I would like some company in my last days. Then you can continue with your existence as planned."

He nodded. "Very well."

…

As she promised, Perphone did not speak of his decision again, and she would quickly change the subject if he tried to bring it up. She was not the worst company he could have, he supposed. She told many stories from other planets. She showed him the best views they could see within a few days' walking distance. The only thing holding her back from being enjoyable company was her _damned snark._

She'd just laugh at his annoyance and arrogantly proclaim. "Do it! Kill me! I dare you! Maybe then, I won't have to live this miserable life with _you!_" Then she would return to whatever she was doing.

On their fifth day together, he woke up to her laying in the field of flowers. Her dark red skin had turned a pale pink, and her deep purple gems were a clear yet milky quartz. "My time is up," she proclaimed.

He sat with her for another hour, listening to her stories.

"Hey, Thanos?" she asked. "Before I go, can I tell you something?"

He nodded.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as if it took a great effort on her part. "You are an idiot." It was a murmur, but he heard her loud and clear. Perphone, in death, had just given him the middle finger she didn't have. Not even one more breath stirred from her lips.

He buried her amongst the flowers. He then rose and left.

He whispered one last thing to her now-gone spirit. "I did what I had to."

**Finished! I had to make sure to get this out before Endgame. A few things to note before I leave you.**

**1: Yes, this was just me ranting about the logic behind Thanos's decision.**

**2: Thanos sounds to me like a play on 'Thanatos,' Greek god of the dead. So Perphone is a play on 'Persephone," Greek goddess of springtime. I couldn't find a Greek goddess of life, so the concept of rebirth will just have to do.**

**3: How did Thanos survive his planet's destruction? No, really. If it was that much of a wasteland, he should not have survived. And if his people did have ships, there should be more Titans than shown. (Unless he killed them, but then he can't use it as an example to Tony in Infinity War, so we'll go with cowardly Thanos.)**

**4: Thanos's planet's drying is based on how Mars lost its running water (so no, he could not have used climate change from his people's industries as an excuse).**

**5: Flowering plants like in the end credits need to have pollinators. Why else would there be so many 'save the bees' campaigns? So, if Thanos wanted a "pretty" planet like he did in the movie, it first would've probably previously had animal life of some kind.**

**6: Because of Thanos's stubbornness, this one-shot should fit nicely between Infinity War and Endgame. So, not quite AU?**

**I think that gets rid of most of the potential plot holes…maybe. Hope you enjoyed!**


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